Oh dear. M&S can’t comment on their fat saturated meals as their ‘food business unit are not customer facing’. They’re too ashamed to look their fat customers in the eye.

The Customer Service nice man did suggest that I had made a mistake when I read the nutritional. He said:

Having read your original email it looks as though the information given would be for if you ate the entire meal yourself. Does it state this on the packaging or not?

One person eating four M&S meals, one after the other, would be a very greedy person.

I came in to work this morning and found Bigtop’s pet hedgehog, Chico, using my computer. He’d drawn himself a pair of breasts and was on www.chatroulette.com. To be honest, I was quite cross with him. It’s not the sort of time-wasting we encourage. If you’ve never visited chat roulette before, I’d describe it as playing Russian roulette, but with web cams. With Russian roulette you have a one in six chance of getting a bullet in your head. With chat roulette you have a five out of six chance of getting a masturbating man appear on your screen. Or a hedgehog with breasts.

Tub of 35 fat balls bought at Waddesdon Manor Garden Centre.

£9.99.

Filled the fat ball feeder up using 5 fat balls.

Tub left in the garden. Lid on. Securely.

Next day.

Tub empty.

30 fat balls gone.

Where can they be?

I have my suspicions.